Girlfriends; my secret weapon.

In a world where “Me Too” and “Times Up” are common terms and my young daughters unfortunately understand what the term misogyny means, I find the need to combat the negativity and write openly about the strong, beautiful women I am blessed to have in my life as friends.  They are role models, confidants, party animals, comediennes, and all around hard working, bad-ass mommas and I am so proud to know each of them.

Over the last few years, there have been significant changes on the friendship front for me. My dearest friend became a momma for the first time.  This has opened up a whole new bond between us and I feel that we are closer than ever as a result.  Also, I have formed friendships with two different groups of women as crazy-busy as I am, but who keep me laughing, smiling, and crying over constant streams of group text messaging and stolen coffee (aka wine) meetups.  God, I am blessed.  I have many strong friendships that I cherish, and they have entered my life from all different directions.

My friendships can be broken down into categories. Like the jeans in my closet, they come in all different shapes and sizes.

• The Bestie

She is technically my friend, but in reality, she’s my closest family. The one who I always answer my phone for even if I’m in a meeting just to make sure she’s ok.  We have held hands through some of life’s toughest moments; kids, jobs, relationships, loss, and the final episode of Dawson’s Creek.  She’s the one that shows up early to help set up the party decorations.  She is my “in case of emergency” person.  The one whose cards I save in a box because they mean more to me than anything else because they are from her and her words are perfect.  With this friend, there is complete unfiltered honesty and zero judgment, ever.  We lay out all of our crazy and work through it together.  She is what I would wish for in a sister.  We share a fitting room, she calls me out on my bullshit, and is my biggest cheerleader and support system.  She knows where I’ve buried the bodies and would never dare rat me out because I am in charge of hiding her goodie drawer contents when she dies.  She is my person.

• Group text gang

If you ever want to figure out how complicated a woman’s mind is and how quickly her train of thought shifts, look through a group text with four active female participants. Conversations swing between children, to home décor, to pets, to birthday party’s, to dick sizes, to work, to vitamin supplements, to idiot neighbors, to waxing, to vacations.  Anything goes.  Anything.  At any time of the day.  We laugh so hard, we offer encouragement and advice, and we are always there for each other.  There is no judgment and a lot of raw honesty.  We are an amazing electronic foursome and when we are actually all together, we laugh even harder.  My Wolfpack.

• Couples only

These are the couples that my husband and I can travel, go out to dinner, or plan a game night with. OMG, when you find these people, never ever ever let them out of your life.  Finding people that you can go away with is a game changer.  Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I love a romantic getaway for two, but it is so rare to find couples where you like both of them equally and want to spend an extended period of time with them.  Being able to hang by a pool or play craps until dawn or sit in a bar with great people is usually just what the Dr. ordered to become completely recharged.  These people may not communicate with you daily, but are always thinking of you when they see a great dinner or airfare deal!

• Rat racers

Some of the best friendships I have started in the workplace. The people you can’t avoid because you see them… Every. Single. Day.  You get coffee together, grab lunch, and talk about the daily updates in your life.  They know you really well because they are intimately exposed to the career part of your life that others can’t see firsthand.  They understand your stress about balancing career ambition with family responsibilities and they can offer unique support and perspective.  I have six dear friends that I have accumulated through 20 years in the workforce.  Over the years, some have moved across the country, some moved on to other opportunities, but all have remained in my life.   When we get together it is as if no time has passed.  We may have regrets about how long we stayed in a position, but we are always truly thankful to the company that brought us together.

• All the single ladies

They like to have fun. They need your support.  They have scheduled child care for the weekend and don’t need to make it home at the end of the night.  These girls can party it up and make you feel like you are in your 20’s at seven o’clock and then like an old-ass lady by midnight.  They do shots effortlessly, know about dating apps, and are always wanting to “take a girls trip” to somewhere amazing.  They make you want to let loose and enjoy yourself, but they also make you want to work out and watch what you eat, because they look stunning out on the dance floor.  Husband buy-in with these friends is key.  Selling stuff from the basement to fund the girls trips is also helpful!

• Carpool mommas

People say how it takes a village to raise your kids, this group is my village. Working moms that still want their kids to be in activities need to realize they cannot do everything themselves without losing their minds.  Getting a group of moms together to build a carpool group has saved my sanity and removed my guilt that used to hit me whenever I asked someone for help with my kids.  This group relies on each other equally.  We don’t have to feel bad asking for help, because helping each other is the bond that ties us together. Divide and conquer is our motto and I have never met a kinder group of women who are so willing to jump in and help each other at a moment’s notice with a ride, kid coverage, joint gift arrangements, and all of the other administrative and logistical bullshit you need to think through when you have young kids in school and activities.

• Politically opposite friends, aka “Conservatives”

Shh, don’t tell anyone, but I do have conservative, “Trump supporting” friends. How is that even humanly possible, you may ask?  Easy, we don’t talk politics and simply enjoy being with each other.  Then we get drunk and I make them wear my pink pussy hat and take pictures of them for future blackmail purposes.  Politics is a funny little trigger point these days.  There is an old poetic saying that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.  Well, no offense, but I don’t want to hear anyone’s opposing political opinions any more than I want to see a brown starfish; just ick.  This isn’t the high school debate team. Nobody is going to outscore me and change my mind and I am not going to change anyone else’s.  Part of being an adult is agreeing to disagree on some things and having the courtesy and respect for my friends, to keep my opinion locked up when in their company.  I expect and deserve the same courtesy.

Friendship 101: parting wisdom

What to make of all this? My husband tells me that I am crazy for keeping a full social calendar.  I get the jabs about girls’ night out happening far too frequently for his liking or waking up at 7:00 on a Saturday to meet the “moms” for coffee when I sure as hell wouldn’t drag my butt out of bed for him, but you know what, my friends keep me sane and it is important that I make time for relationships that lift me up and set an example for my daughters of what healthy female relationships should look like.

I have had to learn to stop being so sensitive. There are all sorts of people in the world and some are not meant to be in our lives forever.  This has been a hard lesson for me to accept and I need to remind myself to stop mentally giving the finger to people that have hurt me and to not openly roll my eyes at passive aggressive social media posts. Disengage from mental bullshit and move on has become my mantra.  I am learning to focus on all of the amazing things in front of me, and not focus on the hurt of what didn’t work, but on the happiness of what is working.  Because it is amazing and should be celebrated.

During the week, I am a full-time career mom with a lousy commute, two kids that need rides to activities, help with homework, and much needed one on one momma time. Essentially, there is not much social time for anything more than the occasional text or quick conversation during the week.  I live for my weekends to not only get all my errands done, but also to have the occasional date night with my husband, hang out with friends, and catch a movie or build a fort with my kids.  That’s just where my life is right now.  It is fast paced, full of commitments, and free time is a hot commodity.  If you need me, tell me and I will be there, but please do not take the fact that I didn’t send a card when your dog died as a personal insult or a display of disrespect.  I try my best and often I do fail.  I sometimes need to be told when more is needed from me.  I also need for women to cut each other some slack and stop trying to be so Pinterest perfect. Mind games are exhausting and I have no interest in participating.

It has taken me a long time to find myself, be comfortable in who I am, what I believe, and how I want to live my life and raise my family. I have hit bumps in the road and it has been my friendships that have helped to develop me into the confidant, strong, funny, mess of a woman that I am.

I always tell my daughters that friendship should be easy and enjoyable. Friends should lift you up and make you feel good about yourself, they should make you laugh until your face hurts, and be there to stand with you when shit goes down. When it gets too hard, and you are spending too much time doubting yourself and how your actions are perceived, that is where you need to remember the old line “you can pick your friends but not your family”.  Lord knows, I am stuck with my wacky family, but my friends; those I can choose.  And man, have I chosen wisely, because I have the best group of bitches anyone could ask for!